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Conservative Politicians Prematurely Terminate Plans To Fight Abortion

John Boehner, Eric Cantor

WASHINGTON, DC—Admitting that their party is both “not ready for the responsibilities,” and “a little too immature to be making decisions on behalf of another,” the GOP reported Thursday that they intend on terminating their long-held stance against abortion.

Why would the Republican Party cancel their plans on terminating pregnancies this far into the election year? “Well, our party has been dealing with a problem of image for a while now,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “No one is going to find our platform attractive if we are carrying around the burden of preventing women from having a choice.”

The decision did not come without its share of backlash from the Republican base, which expressed its outrage via internet comments, phone calls to local politicians, and bricks through windows.

“Here’s the deal: the Republican Party conceived their anti-abortion stance, and they should see it through to the end. God didn’t put that little miracle of an idea into their heads just to have them flush it out when they realize how much of an inconvenience and hindrance it is,” said lifelong Republican and staunch anti-abortion advocate Sheryl Turner, 43, at a rally Thursday evening.

“We have to fight this decision,” Turner added. “We just can’t give them a choice in the matter. They must carry their old, outdated ideas to fruition—no matter how toxic it is to everyone involved.”

More on this story as it develops. Unless coverage on this story is terminated. If that becomes the case, maybe we can try again once we’re both ready for it.

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