EL CENTRO, CA—Upon seeing the Which Pokémon Are You quiz in his Facebook feed, local moron Anthony Welch, 24, promptly took it, and, despite his best efforts, always ends up getting Slowpoke.
“I keep taking the dumb thing and I keep getting that lame-ass Pokémon,” Welch grunted, slurring all of his words into a single runny utterance. “I make different responses for each question and I keep getting Slowpoke. It’s gay. Steve got Pikachu! And Kim got Squirtle,” the slow-in-the-mind drooled. “To be honest, Steve is totally Pikachu and Kim is a total Squirtle,” the dunce laughed once he got the joke he had unintentionally made. Amused by his antics, Welch quickly forgot what he was talking about and went on about how funny he thinks he is.
After a while of mindlessly stringing unconnected thoughts together, Welch got back on point when comparing his skills in cunnilingus to, “totally like a Lickitung.”After stewing in his own pride, the soft-brained monkey made the connection, “Oh, yeah. I’m totally not a Lickitung. I mean Slowpoke.”
After retelling his story again, unaware that he had already minutes ago, Welch claimed the quiz to be, “stupid and a waste of time.” After taking the quiz a total of seven times, which he illustrated by holding up his fingers, Welch proclaimed he would, “never take that B.S. quiz again until it’s fixed.”
As of press time, Welch was seen taking the Which Avenger Character Are You quiz. After taking a few moments to comprehend his results, Welch burst out in a primitive ape-like laughter when he got Guy Playing Galaga. Welch still seemed unaware of the irony that the character’s existence meant nothing in the scheme of things and he served only to be a one-note joke.